A Social Life

“I am leaving you with a gift—peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don’t be troubled or afraid” - John 14:27

I sat hunched over in the chair, elbows on my knees, iPhone in my hands. 

There was a tightness in my chest and a slight sick feeling in my stomach. 

As my right thumb hovered over the Facebook icon, I was at the same time anticipating and dreading opening the app. 

Not because I was fearful of what I would see or read or hear, but rather, I was fearful of opening Pandora’s Box once again. 

For two weeks, I had completely stepped away from social media. 

I was taking a long needed vacation with my family to my happiest place, the Coast of Maine, and I decided I wanted to totally disconnect from all the noise in my everyday world, so much of which comes from my social media accounts. 

While I was away, I had decided to check out, take a break, step away, shut down for maintenance, tune out….all of the above. 

Most importantly, I was giving my heart and soul and mind a rest.

I’ve been so tired, weary actually, and I was welcoming peace back into my overwhelmed days. Not only had my daily life been unusually full of activity, my online life had seemed to suck up my ‘free’ minutes more and more as I escaped into the lives of other people. 

Those minutes quickly became crowded with news and videos and stories and updates and photos and LIFE! 

All of which was being shared in seemingly rapid-fire succession by friends and strangers alike. 

Most times I would click into the app and immediately get sucked into the scroll. Like some perverted machine gun of information, my Facebook feed would shoot out all the life happenings of everyone I’m ‘friends’ with on that little screen. And the physical world around me became dimmer as I grew oblivious to the flesh and blood people near me and instead, entranced with the happenings of people that I couldn’t touch or see or hear. 

And it just felt wrong. 

My self-imposed hiatus from social media was surprisingly, completely freeing. I’d been nervous about how I would handle being off the grid for such a long time and happily, it enabled me to right the ship so to speak. 

While on vacation, I didn’t miss my accounts one iota. Instead, I was able to be fully present with my family; fully present in the moments both shared and solitary. I felt no pull towards the scroll, no ‘need’ to share the minutiae of my day for perhaps the first time in years. 

I had given myself permission to become private again. Simply enjoying my hours free of the need for shares and likes and comments. I loved it, and that shocked me. 

And it bothers me that I’m so shocked by the peace I found.

Some of my Facebook ‘friends’ are truly that, people I have a deep and abiding friendship and connection with, and I LOVE keeping up with their lives. 

Some ‘friends’ are family members who live far away, but we can stay connected easily with a touch of that blue icon. 

I’m grateful for that on so many levels.

But in all honesty, most of my ‘friends’ I only know through social media because of our shared interests. And usually it’s only one interest. 

It’s these one-dimensional connections that I struggle with the most. 

I’m asking myself “Has my world grown too large?” 

By having so many ‘friends’ have I given too much permission for others to have a piece of my life? 
There’s so much pressure to perform when you’re active on social media. 
Pressure to post, to like, to comment, to share. 
Pressure to live up to others expectations of you, pressure to participate, to join, to contribute. 

But what if I can’t or perhaps, simply don’t want to participate all the time?

I feel as if it’s almost a social affront to not be active on social media to some degree. If you don’t see a certain post you’re suddenly out of the loop and others are surprised. If you miss a birthday or an illness or a surgery or a passing of a loved one, it’s a social offense. I’ve heard “Well, I posted it on Facebook….” so many times. 

And yes, I’ve felt guilty for missing what was clearly important to that person.

We can claim to be victims of an algorithm but the reality is we’ve created and unknowingly bought into this false expectation that if we’re ‘friends’ on social media then we must certainly be aware of all that’s being posted. 

This is tough place. 
And the truth is, we don’t want to feel guilty any more than we want to feel imposed upon. But it’s a feeling based on the same principle as returning a text, an email or a phone message. 

It’s an expectation of a response when you didn’t even invite the contact. And simply being on social media or accepting a friend request shouldn’t mean your door is always open to the world at large.

My world used to be small enough to keep up with my friends. 

To really be a friend to my friends. 

I had time and energy and desire to participate in their lives and it brought me joy. 
Relationships are how we survive as humans - God created us for relationship with each other. And while it’s true that social media allows us a greater and more simplified ability to connect with each other, it’s also allowed us to become what we aren’t meant to be - exhausted. 

Because I love my friends and love being in relationship with them, I feel this emotional pressure keenly, but the truth is that no one can be all things to all people. That’s the job of our Creator and even though we are to work to be like Him, we cannot and will never be Him. 

The week I stayed off social media turned into two and the peace I felt from that decision only grew stronger each day. I was more mentally and emotionally rested than I had been in ages and I had more meaningful conversations with people I value. I wasn’t tempted to constantly check my phone for notifications because I hadn’t posted anything. 

And because I wasn’t checking my phone, I was fully involved in each moment. 

That little box in my hand wasn’t controlling me, I was controlling it. 

And it felt good. Very, very good. 

You may wonder, so what now? 

Well, I’m wondering the same. 

To be honest, I’m not sure where I go from here, but I do know that I’m not letting go of my newfound peace easily. I like being in control of how I spend my online minutes and I also recognize that I’m not willing to give up what’s good about being on social media. 

I’m going to start with giving myself permission to not always respond to the posts of others. 

That’s not an indication of a lack of caring for others, it’s an indication that I respect myself and my time and I don’t tacitly accept the expectations of others. 

Secondly, I’m going to try and stop concerning myself with the likes and comments and shares my posts receive. If I’m truly posting because I want to, because I see value in it or want to share a moment then it simply should be that. 

Because I want to. 

And if others see value in it and want to like, comment or share, then that’s a lovely thing. 
I don’t believe social media should be a popularity contest - it’s turned into one for many, but I don’t want to be caught in that comparison trap any longer. It’s exhausting and brings with it a whole host of other problems. I’m saying ‘no more’ and I encourage you to do the same. 
Our worth and value comes from our identity in Christ Jesus and it will never be found in the approval of others. Especially in the form of thumbs up or little hearts. 

So, giving myself permission to not always respond means that I have to remove my expectation that others will always respond to me. 

Respond to my posts because it touches you or makes you feel happy or thoughtful or if it brings you joy - but I’ll no longer assume it doesn’t because you don’t. 

A response shouldn’t be a duty, but because you genuinely want to. And I know you know the difference. 

Of course, this is only a small start. A drop in the proverbial bucket. 

But perhaps changing our expectations of each other will go a long way towards bringing some peace and control into our online lives. 

Perhaps not, but it’s so worth trying. 

If you’re like me, you want real; you need real. 

In person, face to face; a phone call, voice to voice; a handwritten word in the mailbox can touch the heart in a way that communicating over social media cannot. 

I challenge you to step away too for a set time - on your terms, certainly, but give enough separation that you can feel the distance and find the peace that comes with it. 

If you do, message me, let me know and I’ll pray for you during your hiatus.

Are you up for it? 

If you’re my friend, I know you are.