Our Provider

“Command those who are rich in this present world not to be arrogant nor to put their hope in wealth, which is so uncertain, but to put their hope in God, who richly provides us with everything for our enjoyment.” ~ 1 Timothy 6:17

My friend Anita Haines shared this testimony on her Facebook timeline yesterday. It spoke to me deeply, right where I'm at today and with her permission, I'm sharing it here with you. 


"I was reminded last night of the precious names of God as I traveled the prayer walk during our Relax & Reclaim Women's Event at Cypress. We were encouraged to prayerfully walk through stations around the sanctuary where posters were candlelit revealing a specific name of God along with a verse of scripture. I could have claimed any one of the names of God to fill a current need in my life right now.
Each one spoke softly to me.
Each one brought me comfort.
But as I slowly made my way around the sanctuary my heart started beating faster and stronger with each new candlelit station. I knew in my heart the specific name I was searching for more than any other. Today as I reflect, I smile to think it’s just like God to make me wait for it. I think He wanted to remind me first of all He is, does and has done for me.
As I approached the very last station my heart was racing and my emotions won over and the tears welled up in my eyes and quietly rolled down my cheeks. And of course, feeling like I have to appear to have it all together I caught the tears and tried to hide the affect it all had on me.

Why do we women feel like we have to be super heroes all the time?

“Command those who are rich in this present world not to be arrogant nor to put their hope in wealth, which is so uncertain, but to put their hope in God, who richly provides us with everything for our enjoyment.” ~ 1 Timothy 6:17 I stood there quietly in front of the name "Jehovah-Jireh" ~ God is my Provider.
Not a new name of God to me by any means. He has shown Himself over and over through his provisions for me, for my husband, for my children and for our family. The Lord has always provided and at times and in circumstances that seemed so dismal to us. As I stood there, thinking over our current reality I realized it's not about what we do, what we have, or at times not have. It's not the job that gives the paycheck or lack thereof. I found comfort last night with this reminder.
No matter what our circumstances are at any given time God is our Provider so I can take a deep breath and rest assured that He’s got us covered. Last night I left that holy place feeling comforted and assured, thankful that He led me there.
God always has a way of doing just that doesn’t He?

Today as I sorted through the mail my eyes fell upon something that caused my heart to begin to beat fast. As I opened and started to read the letter I got that sick in the gut feeling like the rug was just swept out from under me. You know that feeling… like the one that makes it hard to take a deep breath, the one that keeps you awake at night or makes you want to crawl into a ball and cry or maybe even scream at the top on your lungs? My thoughts quickly go back to last night and the reassurance I found in “Jehovah-Jireh”.
God knew I was going to open this letter today so He met me last night to prepare me. He reminds me that HE is my provider regardless of the words on a page and I know I truly do believe that. I’ve seen it before in much worse situations. But man oh man is it hard to take that deep breath at times and just let go of the fear and to just TRUST. “He's got this” is what I keep repeating in my head tonight. It's not my job to worry about it and I'm walking in total disobedience when I do so.
Anyone else know what I mean or been there?

Scripture tells me, "Look at the birds of the air, that they do not sow, nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not worth much more than they?” ~ Matthew 6:26. So tonight I am choosing to trust.
I’m choosing to believe.
I’m really really really trying hard to choose to not worry.
I’m taking that deep breath and asking the Lord to show Himself and His goodness to me and to us in our reality in a really big way. I’m choosing to put my hope in Him and I’m choosing to enjoy His rich provisions for me.
I’m choosing to believe that He is MY God… MY Jehovah-Jireh… MY Provider"

~~With a Courageous Heart, 
Robin

The In-Between

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." - Matthew 11:28

"I am done. Done! I can't do this anymore. I can't take it any. more."
Those words had been crouched in my head waiting to spring for weeks. And today, they finally flew out of my mouth in one great heated rush. My poor husband was on the other end of the phone, and thankfully, he received my anger and frustration with the grace of someone who loves me deeply.

My weekly trip with Mom to the oncologist's office had gone anything but well and it was only compounded by the meeting the day before with another of her doctors.
Too much. Too much to process. Too much to comprehend. Too much to plan for. My tank was on empty and my brain just hurt from taking it all in.
I had stepped outside to breathe and call my husband. As he listened to the silence that followed my outburst, I looked around me at the gorgeous patches of blue sky peeking through a mostly overcast day. There were gorgeous colors in the turning leaves on the trees around me and the random thought that this would be Mom's last Autumn stepped right on my heart.

Selfish. You're being selfish Robin, stop it. I couldn't prevent those words from pushing into my thoughts and I immediately felt guilty for these emotions that were so unwelcome that day.
And in spite of the guilt I felt, I was still. just. so. angry.

Angry at the doctors.
Angry at the overcast sky.
Angry for the for the interruption of my life.
Angry at my Mom.
Angry for her diagnosis.
Angry at myself for being angry.
Angry at cancer.
Angry and frustrated and beyond tired and just overwhelmed.
And so weary that I just wanted to sit down on the bench there in front of the doctor's office and cry until I couldn't cry anymore.

I'd naively thought that losing my Dad two years ago would have prepared me emotionally for my Mom's diagnosis. But that was so different.
Dad was gone in just 19 days. Hardly any time to even think about what was coming.
And with the exception of the big hole he left in our lives, there were no major life altering changes for any of us. 
Everything about my Mom's illness and diagnosis has invaded the not-so-ordered days of our lives. It's taken over how we view everything and plan everything and live each day.
And I resent it.
There. I said it.
And that's why I feel guilty, and selfish and angry.

This is the in-between.
The time between life and death.
The time that we plan and wait and plan and wait some more.
The time that passes by at an agonizing crawl and with lightning speed at the same time.
Too much and not nearly enough.
It's the 'too much' that drives my resentment. Too much time to think about it, to deal with it, to have to keep putting one foot in front of the other and not being able to see the place I can rest. 

This no-man's land of waiting is testing me like nothing else ever.
I cling to my faith and cry out to Jesus and pour out my heart in my journal and to my husband and a few select friends who I don't think will judge me but just love me in spite of my weakness.
And I hate where I am because I know that at the end of it, my Mom will be gone and I will be alone.
Alone on this earth with no one who shares my whole history anymore.
She is the only one left who has been there since the beginning and it hurts so much to know that she will be removed from me, if even for a little while.  
This is the 'not nearly enough'.
And it's entirely selfish and raw.
But it's the truth of my right here and now.

And even though I know the other truth, the truth of her outcome, that she will be pain free and cancer free and healed and whole in Heaven, waiting for me, it still hurts.
And I fight this pain with all the faith I can muster.

Thankfully, Jesus is holding on tight to me right now. Because there is no way - NO Way - that I could be taking this journey without Him. Without the hope we have in Him.
He gives me courage and permission to feel and cry and pray and scream at the sky and into the phone because He has been there and has felt it too.
He took it all on Himself when He hung on that cross for me.

Who does that? 

The God of the universe who loves me and tells me to come to him for rest.
To lay my burdens at His feet in exchange for His strength and grace and peace.

So as I see the patches of blue sky and the rainbow of Autumn all around me, I breathe.
I see the evidence of Him in all of His creation and know that He is greater than my anger.
Greater than my frustration, my resentment, my hurt, my despair and my loneliness.
And He is carrying me through the in-between.

With a Courageous Heart,
~~Robin

Tomorrow

Last Wednesday night, I sat in our car and held my not so baby girl as she wept on my shoulder.
What had started out as a fun ride home from skating practice turned into a melt-down of epic proportions by the time we pulled into our home.

All the pressures of the past few months were finally catching up with her and even her way more mature than almost 16 composure couldn't hold back the tsunami that crashed in on her that night.

You see, my Mother is dying.
Her Grandmother is dying.
She has Leukemia. And Congestive Heart Failure. And Diabetes. And a host of other issues, but it hit our family in the face like a harsh Winter wind earlier this year. Now, as we face the end, my girl is learning just how much life can hurt. It's not easy having to draw on adult emotions that at almost 16 are so difficult to understand. 

And my precious girl is a 'stuffer'.
Of the true Scarlett O'Hara, "I'll think about that tomorrow" breed.
She pushes any negative, any stress down deep in her soul to deal with 'later'.
Tomorrow. 
Then tomorrow becomes tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow, until it all catches up with her, in an explosion that Mt. Vesuvius could envy.
Sometimes anger.
Sometimes self-righteousness.
Sometimes horrible grief, in great gasping sobs that take her so by surprise that she cries all the harder because of them.

All I can do is just hold her tight and love her and let the storm pass.

Last Wednesday night, my Mom's illness hit close to home for her as we were talking with excitement about her upcoming Homecoming Dance and her special date.
In an awful window of reality, she's realized that Mom most likely will not be around to see her in her prom dress, pass her Senior Moves test, or graduate high-school or college. She will not witness her wedding day, will not hold her babies and love them the way she loves my girl. And she will miss all the little moments of her life that mean so much to her.

What hurts me the most is that all I can do is just hold her and let her cry it out.
I have no answers for her. No words of wisdom that can make this better.
Because it's the truth.

Some people say they wish they knew the future, but I disagree.
It's times like this when we can mentally fast forward to events that are likely part of the plan for our lives and see the missing pieces, that I'm sure I don't want more of a birds-eye view of tomorrow.
What's known always hurts more than the unknown. 

With one bright exception.

The one thing we do have to hold on to when life hurts us so bad is the bedrock of our faith in Jesus Christ and the future glory we have to look forward to.

Romans 5:1-5 says this:
"Therefore, since we have been made right in God’s sight by faith, 
we have peace with God because of what Jesus Christ our Lord has done for us. 
Because of our faith, Christ has brought us into this place of undeserved privilege 
where we now stand, and we confidently and joyfully look forward to sharing God’s glory.
We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials,  
for we know that they help us develop endurance.  
And endurance develops strength of character, 
and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation.  
And this hope will not lead to disappointment. 
For we know how dearly God loves us, 
because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love."

God's word is so full of amazing promises, but none so rich as these which promise that even in our trials, we have hope. 

Hope.  

A confident hope. 
A hope that will not lead to disappointment. 

Because in Christ, we are sure that our tomorrow has been claimed for us. 
Bought by Him with the price of His life in exchange for ours. 
"But God showed his great love for us by sending Christ to die for us while we were still sinners." 
- Romans 5:8

He sent His only son to die to claim the future that we can't earn on our own. 

So even though I have nothing but a Mother's love to offer my daughter, the One who loves her more than I ever could hope or imagine offers her everything. 
The knowledge that even though the hours lost here on earth will hurt her deeply, that pain is nothing in comparison to the beautiful eternity she is promised with Christ Jesus and her loved ones who go before her. 

That's the tomorrow that I long for. 

With a Courageous Heart, 
~~Robin

Strong, Faithful and Appointed

"I give thanks to Christ Jesus our Lord who has strengthened me, because He considered me faithful, appointing me to the ministry" - 1 Timothy 1:12

I love our Pastor. 
He has a heart for Jesus and a heart for people unlike any I've ever seen before. 
And he has a way of bringing the gospel to life that draws you in to the reality of just WHO Jesus is. 

Lately, I've been struggling with just what my purpose is for Christ. 
And Satan has been having a field day with my uncertainty. 


So, yesterday, I was fighting a particularly strong attack from the enemy, causing me to doubt everything I know to be true about who I am in Christ. 
We arrived at church, and after completing my tasks in setting up for our service, the Lord tapped me on the shoulder and said "Robin, you need to sit down and open up my word to 1 Timothy Chapter 1." 
Lemme tell ya, when you get this kind of direction, you listen. 
And you do it. 

But, that's not the best part of yesterday morning. 
Nope, not hardly. 

You see, at our church, we have a pre-service service for our core team that sets up and prepares for the worship time to come. 
So, our Pastor got up yesterday and read some scripture over us. 
Wanna guess what it was? 
Yes, it was. 1 Timothy Chapter 1. 


Folks, if you've never known the feeling of confirmation that you are on the right path - the plan that God has set out for you - can I just tell you that it's the most freeing thing to hear God shouting the truth to you through the words of another Christ follower.
As our Pastor led us through the scripture, I wanted to cry. Tears of joy, tears of release, tears of relief and tears of shame. I couldn't even pray. All I could do was just whisper Jesus' name over and over again, knowing that the Holy Spirit was interceding for me at the throne. 

Of course, I had to tell our Pastor what was up and when I shared this God-thing with him, he asked me what God had said to me through this scripture. As we spoke, he told me that through his own doubts and dealings with the lies of the enemy (no one is immune, most especially our Pastors), that the fact that Jesus has considered us faithful - even when we know we are nowhere near faithful - was what brought him peace. 

And as I read through the scripture again later and really contemplated it, this is where I ended up.

If Satan, who is the Father of lies, is whispering in your ear, you need to remember WHOM you belong to.
The Apostle Paul tells us in this verse that Christ Jesus has done three things for us:
 
1) He has given us strength.
2) He has considered us faithful
3) He has appointed us to ministry (to service)
 
It's no mistake the order in which this grace appears.

Jesus strengthens us to resist the Devil and his lies. Because of the victory that Jesus won over death, Hell and the grave, we can draw strength from Him to overcome any circumstance. Any lie that our sin nature would otherwise believe.

Jesus has considered us faithful. Even when we would consider that we are anything BUT faithful, because of His blood that covers over our sin, He counts us righteous, redeemed and free. Faithful to His word and truth.

Jesus has given us all a purpose, a mission. He has a unique plan for each of us that no lie of the enemy can defeat. It's up to us to believe the truth that we are all part of His plan. We are valuable and precious and treasured as His dearly loved children. When we daily put our trust in Jesus, to be open to His leading and choose to ignore the lies of Satan, He can use us to not only bring glory and honor to Himself, but to bless our lives in ways we cannot imagine.

Choose truth today friends. 
Choose to believe the reality that if King Jesus reigns in your heart, you are dearly loved. 
Valued. 
Cherished and treasured. 
You are part of His amazing plan to bring others to Himself and he has given you a heart of courage - even if you cannot feel it. 

With a Courageous Heart, 
~~Robin

Audience of One

This summer, my husband Mark and I had the treat of an entire week at the beach - just the two of us. Unheard of in our life with a very active teenager, but Emma had chosen to give up her beach vacation to volunteer as a Jr. Counselor at Centri-kid camp that same week.
So, with the trip already planned and vacation time approved, we took off together and enjoyed the trip for the unexpected blessing that it was.

Each morning, we would head out to the beach early, coffee in hand and take a long walk along a mostly still empty stretch of the coastline. These mornings were such a special way to re-connect, not only with each other, but with God.
We marveled together at the beauty of the sky, the clouds, the sun, the waves, the shells -  the entirety of the oceans' gifts.
The majesty of God on display for all to see.

Two mornings in particular we encountered the young man in the photo.
He was standing on the beach playing his guitar.
He paid no attention to anyone passing by, he was completely in the moment, singing with all he had in praise to our amazing God who created the glorious scenes around him.
As we walked slowly by him, we could hear his beautiful voice and guitar strums as he sang -
"nothing compares to your embrace, light of the world, forever reign."

Forever Reign.

One of my favorite worship songs delivered in a way that touched my heart and blessed me beyond belief. Here was a young man, so in love with his Savior, he was unafraid to express it in his unique way for anyone to see and hear.

Oh, that we would ALL live this way - unashamed, unafraid, unfettered by the judgements of others.

Our worship is for an audience of ONE.
The only One who matters in the life of a believer.
The One that the Bible says the very rocks will cry out for if we fail to praise Him.

It was more than obvious who the audience was there on the beach those days.

The second day we encountered this young man, an older woman noticed me taking his photo. Now, since I'm not the "stalker" type, I figured I'd better go talk to her.
Turns out, it was his Mom. I told her how much her son had blessed us with his music and his boldness. That he had so impressed me that I had shared about him on Instagram.

She was very gracious and told us that he was part of the worship team at their home church in Michigan. He had just taken part in a worship leader's conference and their family was vacationing before going back home.

If you're a parent of a Christian teen, it is no small thing to have the assurance that your child is walking with Jesus. I am thankful every day that my Emma loves Jesus and is actively pursuing Him in her life.

Mom to Mom, we connected that morning over the common bond of our faith and the assurance that our children were following hard after Jesus.
What a gift to receive there on this stretch of beach.

I don't know this young man's name, or his Mom's, probably never will on this side of Heaven, but I'm pretty sure that I'll hear him singing and playing his guitar again someday - when we are all together at last, praising our King, face to face.

With a Courageous Heart,
~~Robin

Here is an acoustic version of Forever Reign, recorded in studio at K-Love Radio.
If you hit play and listen with your eyes closed, you'll hear it a bit like how we heard it on the beach this summer. And maybe, you'll see there in your mind's eye a glimpse of what Heaven will be like too.

Contemplating Worship

I love to read. Always have, always will. 
I mostly like to read history, biographies and anything Jane Austen. 
Over the past couple of years, I've deliberately chosen some books that look at life from a God window. And some of those books have challenged me deeply. 

Lately, I've been reading and re-reading the Louie Giglio book "The Air I Breathe" and Chapter 7 (Worship as a Way of Life) really hit home yesterday.

God really confronted me with these words by the author:
"God has given us life and breath in all things. The only fitting response to all He has done is to give back to Him all that we are. Anything less is not enough. Anything less is not true worship. Anything less only proves that we haven't really seen Him at all."

Where our salvation in Jesus Christ is not dependent on what we do for Him, but what He did for us on the cross, our WORSHIP is our offering to Him in two parts. The offering of our praise and the offering of our service.

It's easy to offer our praise. We do it every time we sing a worship song, every time we pray, every time we speak His name and share how He has changed our lives in ways big and small.

What's not easy is to value the things of God more than the things of the world. It's not easy to give of our time and energy. It's not easy to take a bold stand for the truth of our convictions in this world.
 
We are so selfish.
I am so selfish.
 
We love our comfort and stuff and money and time.
We live our lives afraid that if we offer God our everything that He is going to take it.
And you know what? He might.

But in God's economy, offering God our everything - pitiful poor sacrifice that it is - is the greatest exchange.
He doesn't want to take from us, He wants to GIVE to us.
He doesn't need our "stuff". He created it all, owns it all.

God just wants us to love Him more than we love ourselves.

He wants us to have rich, full, beautiful lives that honor and glorify Him as we live with the view of seeing others through His eyes.
He wants to give us a heart of compassion for the hurting. 
He wants to give us a heart of sharing for the lost who desperately need Him. He wants us to live out His perfect purpose for us and revel in the amazing life He has planned for us.

We can only experience that life when we are willing to turn our backs on all that we think makes us happy.
Willing to.
 
Because when we are willing to give Him our all, all that we've built for ourselves, He then can line up our hearts with His.
Then what we think we desire most, treasure the most, fades in comparison with the life He has for us instead. A life that worships Him completely.

That is a courageous step.

"And so, dear brothers and sisters, I plead with you to give your bodies to God because of all he has done for you. Let them be a living and holy sacrifice—the kind he will find acceptable. This is truly the way to worship him. Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect." - Romans 12:1-2 (NLT)

Tomatoes

My husband and I were sitting on our deck Sunday morning, sipping coffee and enjoying the quiet of our still sleeping neighborhood. We don't get that window of time very often and it's such a gift to be able to just sit with him and enjoy a few peaceful moments. I guess I'd been quiet too long and he suddenly asked me what I was thinking about.
He's a pretty brave man, that could sometimes be a loaded question.
But not today.

"Tomatoes." I replied. "The tomatoes in our garden."
The look on his face told me that he thought I hadn't had enough coffee yet, so I shared my thoughts with him.

We've had a small box garden in our backyard since Emma was in 4th grade. When your 10 year old comes home from school one day and decides she wants to plant a garden, you do it, right? So my Dad, ever resourceful, gave us some scrap lumber and Mark built our little space that would produce some surprising results over the years ahead. 

Very proud of their little garden

Over the 6 years we've planted, we've enjoyed wonderful homegrown tomatoes, juicy green peppers and the occasional odd shaped cucumber (they are a mystery to me....), but it's the tomatoes that I look forward to the most. 
I have such wonderful memories of growing up, helping my Grandma with her garden and being given the treat of a whole, fresh tomato with a shaker of salt. Biting into that sweet red ball and letting the juice run down my chin was a rite of Summer for me, almost as much as slicing one up and eating it on white bread with mayo. Yummm....can't you taste it?
There really is nothing much better than true love and homegrown tomatoes.

In our 6 years of gardening, there have been two years that we have not been able to plant - the year my Dad died and this year, as we've dealt with my Mom's cancer diagnosis and all the life change it's brought. 
But an amazing thing happened in these two years - God gave us tomatoes anyway. 

The year Dad died, we had an abundance of volunteer plants come up in our unweeded, untended, unloved box garden. It was such a sweet blessing to me. He loved homegrown tomatoes and I took it as a gift of God that my Dad was making sure we got to enjoy them - and our shared memories - even though we were hurting too badly to plant that year. Each tomato we ate reminded us that he was still with us and was an assurance that we'd see him face to face again someday.
I love how God holds us through the simplest of gifts.

This year, we once again found ourselves too overwhelmed to even think about our poor little garden. Through the late Spring and all Summer, our lives have simply been turned upside down in many ways, with more stress and heartache than we've ever dealt with as a family. 
The enemy has attacked us from all sides, causing disruption and havoc in his attempts to discourage and isolate us from the truth of God's love for us.
He just loves to kick us when we're down. 

But, God.....

I could stop right there. Those words are all the thought correction we need. 
But, God....

God always rescues us. 
He is always faithful to provide for us. 
In every way possible. 

• emotionally
• spiritually
• physically
• financially

You name it, He is always there to restore our joy and give us......tomatoes. 

“That is why I tell you not to worry about everyday life—whether you have enough food and drink, or enough clothes to wear. Isn’t life more than food, and your body more than clothing? Look at the birds. They don’t plant or harvest or store food in barns, for your heavenly Father feeds them. And aren’t you far more valuable to him than they are? Can all your worries add a single moment to your life? " - Matthew 6:25-27

This June, Mark went out back to just clean out the garden box. Pull all the weeds and clear it up so we could have an easier time with it next year.
And he was amazed to discover once again that we had tomatoes growing. Green Peppers too! (No cucumbers, they are still a mystery to me.) 
But lots of tomatoes. Multiple varieties and some interesting cross breeds. Pretty cool actually.

Like our life right now, those volunteer plants aren't pretty, they are awfully thin and reedy and spindly. Kind of stretched out like a string of Christmas lights. 
Definitely mimicing the life in our days. 

It's really ironic to see those plants, stretched so thin and having received no water or nourishment except what God chose to deliver, still producing fruit. 
Good, sweet, trickle down your chin kind of fruit.

And what I love about this story is that it's such a picture of what God, our Father chooses to do in us when we are pushed to the limit and pressed from every side.
We can be stretched out so thin and worn down to the point that we aren't getting any refreshing or nourishment for our souls - or anything else for that matter - and THIS is the time He grows us the most and produces the best fruit in us and provides for us beyond any expectation we have.

"We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body." - 2 Corinthians 4:8-10

Since we have this amazing promise of God's goodness and grace to us, we can stand up to any attack by the enemy. He will meet every need and carry every burden and dry every tear. 

All we need to do is lay them all down at His feet and trust that He will restore us and fill our cup and give us.....tomatoes.

With a Courageous Heart, 
~~Robin